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NateSMZ
10-10-2007, 07:41 PM
not sure what to say... thnx for sharing - pz
josh
10-11-2007, 08:20 AM
I didn't get carried away...
Fenix
10-11-2007, 08:22 AM
Mm...I liked it, but it's not enough. Double the length of the stanzas.
Joneagle_X
10-11-2007, 04:20 PM
Sorry. I didn't feel there was an established rhythm or flow. You interrupted that balance too much and the word choice was rather harsh and reckless.

It might be made better if you were to try to put a melody to it. That often gives the correct rhythm that is necessary with different words.

Perhaps a different ordering would have improved it. Furthermore, I didn't make any mental connections beyond the names of units and abilities.
BnechbReaker
10-11-2007, 07:21 PM
i get the same feeling as jon, lines like these didn't really produce any flow

"He shot his gun,
She joined him to be one."
NateSMZ
10-12-2007, 06:27 PM
my main suggestion would be to forget about rhyming and focus on saying something either emotive, poignant or rousing