LordVampire
03-26-2008, 08:25 PM
VAMPIRES FUNNY QUOTES ENJOY The following are taken from The Vampire Joke Book by Gordon Hill, 1991: Foulsham and Co. Ltd
What's red, packed with strawberries, and bites people in the neck?
- a Jampire!
Why did Dracula drive on the motorway?
- Someone told him it was a main artery!
What's Dracula's Favourite soup?
- Scream of Tomato!
How do you join the Dracula fan club?
- Send your name, address, and a blood sample.
Mummy, mummy...what's a vampire?
- Be quiet and drink your blood before it clots.
Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
- Fang Decay
Why did Dracula telephone the undertaker?
- To ask for a take-away meal
What do you call a duck with fangs?
- Quackula!
Why is Dracula boring?
- Because he's a pain in the neck
What does Dracula call a coffin?
- A snuff box
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a midget?
- A vampire that bites you in the kneecaps
What's a vampire's favourite kind of dog?
- A Bloodhound!
Patient: I keep seeing vampires with fangs dripping blood.
Doctor: Have you seen a psychiatrist?
Patient: No, just vampires.
What's Dracula's Favourite Song?
- Fangs for the Memory
Why was Dracula so unlucky in love?
- He always loved in vein
What is Dracula's Favourite breakfast?
- Ready-Neck
How would a vampire manage with only one fang?
- He'd just have to grin and bare it
What do you call the referee in a Transylvanian cricket match?
- A Vumpire
How did Dracula fall in love with his wife?
- It was love at first bite
What do Dracula's children play?
- Bat's cradle
What do you call a foolish old vampire?
- Silly old Sucker
What does Dracula have halfway through the morning?
- A coffin Break
What's a vampire's favourite animal?
- A giraffe
What's a vampire's favourite dance?
- The Vaults
Why are vampires easily fooled?
- Because they are born suckers
Why has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
- Dracula's dentist
What's pink, has a curly tail, and sucks blood?
- a hampire!
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a vampire?
- Drac-ewe-la
What's a Spanish vampire's favourite dance?
- The fangdango
What is Dracula's favourite drink?
- A Bloody Mary
What's a vampire's favourite game?
- Batminton
What do vampires cross the sea in?
- Blood vessels
What sort of club would Dracula join?
- A blood group
What has fangs and drinks from the wrong side of the glass?
- a vampire with hiccups
Would you rather Dracula attacked you, or King Kong?
- I'd rather Dracula attacked King Kong
What do you call a stupid vampire?
- A silly clot
What is a vampire's favourite dessert?
- I scream
Why is a vampire a good person to take out for meals?
- Because he eats necks to nothing
Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?
- He couldn't bear stakes
Why did the vampire become an actor?
- He wanted a part he could sink his teeth into
How does Dracula like his meat?
- In grave-y
What is Dracula's favourite fruit?
- A Blood orange
What do you call a vampire duck?
- Count Duckula
Where does Dracula get all his jokes?
- From a crypt writer
Why is Dracula's family crazy?
- They're all bats
Where is Dracula's American office?
- The Vampire State Building
Why did the vampire fall in love with his neighbour?
- Because she was the ghoul necks door
What do you call a short vampire?
- A pain in the knee
What do polite vampires say?
- Fang you very much
What invitation did Dracula give his girlfriend?
- Let's go out for a bite
The following are taken from The Complete Book of Vampires by Leonard RN Ashley, 1998: Barricade books intnl.
What's Count Dracula's Favourite holiday?
-Fangsgiving!
Where did they put the vampire when he was arrested?
-In a Red blood cell!
What does Dracula say when he's ready for another victim?
-Necks!
What did the vampire rob?
-A blood bank!
What is Dracula's State of mind?
- He's batty!
Why can't Dracula sleep at nights?
-His work is draining!
What's red, packed with strawberries, and bites people in the neck?
- a Jampire!
Why did Dracula drive on the motorway?
- Someone told him it was a main artery!
What's Dracula's Favourite soup?
- Scream of Tomato!
How do you join the Dracula fan club?
- Send your name, address, and a blood sample.
Mummy, mummy...what's a vampire?
- Be quiet and drink your blood before it clots.
Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
- Fang Decay
Why did Dracula telephone the undertaker?
- To ask for a take-away meal
What do you call a duck with fangs?
- Quackula!
Why is Dracula boring?
- Because he's a pain in the neck
What does Dracula call a coffin?
- A snuff box
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a midget?
- A vampire that bites you in the kneecaps
What's a vampire's favourite kind of dog?
- A Bloodhound!
Patient: I keep seeing vampires with fangs dripping blood.
Doctor: Have you seen a psychiatrist?
Patient: No, just vampires.
What's Dracula's Favourite Song?
- Fangs for the Memory
Why was Dracula so unlucky in love?
- He always loved in vein
What is Dracula's Favourite breakfast?
- Ready-Neck
How would a vampire manage with only one fang?
- He'd just have to grin and bare it
What do you call the referee in a Transylvanian cricket match?
- A Vumpire
How did Dracula fall in love with his wife?
- It was love at first bite
What do Dracula's children play?
- Bat's cradle
What do you call a foolish old vampire?
- Silly old Sucker
What does Dracula have halfway through the morning?
- A coffin Break
What's a vampire's favourite animal?
- A giraffe
What's a vampire's favourite dance?
- The Vaults
Why are vampires easily fooled?
- Because they are born suckers
Why has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
- Dracula's dentist
What's pink, has a curly tail, and sucks blood?
- a hampire!
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a vampire?
- Drac-ewe-la
What's a Spanish vampire's favourite dance?
- The fangdango
What is Dracula's favourite drink?
- A Bloody Mary
What's a vampire's favourite game?
- Batminton
What do vampires cross the sea in?
- Blood vessels
What sort of club would Dracula join?
- A blood group
What has fangs and drinks from the wrong side of the glass?
- a vampire with hiccups
Would you rather Dracula attacked you, or King Kong?
- I'd rather Dracula attacked King Kong
What do you call a stupid vampire?
- A silly clot
What is a vampire's favourite dessert?
- I scream
Why is a vampire a good person to take out for meals?
- Because he eats necks to nothing
Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?
- He couldn't bear stakes
Why did the vampire become an actor?
- He wanted a part he could sink his teeth into
How does Dracula like his meat?
- In grave-y
What is Dracula's favourite fruit?
- A Blood orange
What do you call a vampire duck?
- Count Duckula
Where does Dracula get all his jokes?
- From a crypt writer
Why is Dracula's family crazy?
- They're all bats
Where is Dracula's American office?
- The Vampire State Building
Why did the vampire fall in love with his neighbour?
- Because she was the ghoul necks door
What do you call a short vampire?
- A pain in the knee
What do polite vampires say?
- Fang you very much
What invitation did Dracula give his girlfriend?
- Let's go out for a bite
The following are taken from The Complete Book of Vampires by Leonard RN Ashley, 1998: Barricade books intnl.
What's Count Dracula's Favourite holiday?
-Fangsgiving!
Where did they put the vampire when he was arrested?
-In a Red blood cell!
What does Dracula say when he's ready for another victim?
-Necks!
What did the vampire rob?
-A blood bank!
What is Dracula's State of mind?
- He's batty!
Why can't Dracula sleep at nights?
-His work is draining!